Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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