Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
