Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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