K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
