I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize