I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
