new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
