It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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