I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
