I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
