In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
