He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
