so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
