So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
he had hair everywhere except his balls
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
