I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
