I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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