How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
then he tried to convert me to islam
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
