I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
