Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
