if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
