Who did Billy Mays play for?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize