So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
