I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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