what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
