I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
