My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
