You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
