i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
