My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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