My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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