He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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