he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
