he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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