apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
