I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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