Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
