margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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