There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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