i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
