Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
