The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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