it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
