Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
