he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
