it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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