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I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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