No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
is wine microwaveable?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
