Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
