do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
