ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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