Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
