i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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