A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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