Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We're too hungover to prance.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize