Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
How does it feel to date your dad?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
