Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
