No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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